Hidden Regrets of Motherhood

Carmen loves her 10-year-old son, but if given the chance to go back in time, she says she would choose not to become a mother.

"Motherhood has taken my health, my time, my money, my strength, and my body,"

she explains.

"The price is too high, and the cost is forever."

She is a teacher in her 40s and part of a largely unspoken group of women who regret motherhood.

This regret is seldom expressed publicly. The women who shared their experiences with me insisted on anonymity, fearing harsh judgment and because their families remain unaware of their feelings.

Years ago, Carmen cautiously voiced her regret on a general parenting forum. While some responded with empathy, others treated her as if she were

"a monster".

The intense pressure and sacrifices involved in motherhood are highlighted in the film If I Had Legs I'd Kick You, which is nominated for an Oscar.

Actress Rose Byrne portrays a mother overwhelmed and isolated by the demands of caring for her daughter and maintaining family life.

Logan White/A24 Production still from the film, If I Had Legs I'd Kick You. — Rose Byrne plays Linda, a mum unravelling under stress while trying to care for her chronically ill daughter

Carmen relates closely to the film's themes.

"Motherhood is an endless job that you do even when you don't want to, because a little person depends on you,"

she says.

"It feels like a trap you can't escape."

She is candid about how

"devastating"

she finds motherhood. Yet, her tone brightens when speaking about her son, Teo (name changed).

"Teo has nothing to do with my regret, he's a fantastic, adorable boy and I love him fiercely,"

Carmen states.

"I'd give my life for him without a doubt. He's kind, easy-going, and a brilliant student."

Understanding Maternal Regret

Psychotherapist Anna Mathur explains that when women feel safe discussing maternal regret, it often reflects not a lack of love but feelings of isolation, exhaustion, or lost identity.

For Carmen, who describes herself as a perfectionist, the heavy responsibility of raising

"a good citizen, a good and happy person"

is difficult to bear.

Carmen vowed that Teo would never experience the neglect and lack of love she endured growing up in a poor, dysfunctional environment where violence was common.

Initially, motherhood was joyful. Teo was a good sleeper, and Carmen enjoyed caring for him during maternity leave.

However, her experience changed when Teo showed serious developmental delays.

"Every simple moment turned into observation and concern,"

she recalls.

"I felt so guilty,"

she says,

"and I worried that his life would become a fight."

Teo was ultimately not diagnosed with the feared conditions and is doing well, but the stress contributed to Carmen developing an autoimmune disease.

Research and Perspectives on Regretting Motherhood

Israeli sociologist Orna Donath, author of Regretting Motherhood: A Study, warns against equating maternal regret with unloving or neglectful parenting.

Donath interviewed 23 mothers who emphasized the distinction between regretting motherhood and their feelings toward their children. Several felt deceived by motherhood because reality did not match society's idealized portrayal.

One participant, a mother of two teenagers, said:

"I regret having had children and becoming a mother, but I love the children that I've got... I wouldn't want them not to be here, I just don't want to be a mother."

Limited data suggests this feeling is not uncommon. A 2023 Polish study estimated that 5–14% of parents regret having children and would choose childlessness if given the choice again.

Finding Community and Voices Online

Though parents rarely discuss regret openly, many find support online. Carmen discovered she was not alone after joining the Facebook group I Regret Having Children, which has 96,000 members worldwide.

One Australian mother with a five-year-old shared with the BBC:

"Motherhood is full of sweet moments, but they do not make up for the freedom I could have had instead."

"I wear my mask around my daughter well,"

she added,

"but by the time she is in bed and my husband and I have that short window of quality time together, my mask is off and I prefer to be alone."

Financial constraints and postponed ambitions such as travel, entrepreneurship, and investment have contributed to her loss of motivation beyond raising a decent person in a challenging world.

Another woman in the UK expressed frustration at assumptions that unhappy mothers must be suffering from postnatal depression.

"People are more comfortable labelling it as that – my children are adults now and I still grieve the life I never got to have.

I am now worrying about looking after future grandkids - the caregiving never ends."

The Facebook group, created in 2007, shares anonymous stories from parents, mostly women, who privately message their experiences to be posted.

Gianina, 44, a US laboratory scientist and the group's moderator, states:

"The aim has never been to shame parents or promote a particular lifestyle.

It's more about documenting a cultural phenomenon that doesn't often have space in mainstream conversations.

The community is large and active because many people are quietly grappling with feelings they were told they weren't supposed to have."

Gianina herself was undecided about having children and found the forum influential in her decision not to have any.

Changing Attitudes Toward Parenthood

Margaret O'Connor, an Irish counsellor and psychotherapist specializing in parental decision-making, notes younger adults approach parenthood differently than previous generations.

"There is much more realisation that it's a choice,"

she says.

"It's not an automatic thing you have to do.

I have people coming to me in their 20s and 30s who know they want to have children, but are still kind of worried about the challenges, and would like some support to navigate it."

O'Connor cautions that predicting who will regret motherhood is difficult because experiences vary widely.

"You need to be as sure as you can be about this big decision and be doing it for your own reasons... rather than external pressure from your partner, or your parents,"

she advises.

She also warns against relying too much on the idea that a community will share childcare responsibilities.

"The message we get generally is, 'We'll all be here to mind the baby' - but people often aren't - it's your baby and you'll be responsible for them,"

she explains.

O'Connor acknowledges that regret is a normal feeling for parents given the role's demands and suggests therapy to explore these feelings in a safe, non-judgmental environment.

Acceptance and Ongoing Challenges

Mathur notes that maternal regret may not always be fully reversible.

"For some women, those feelings [of regret] soften or change significantly with support, rest, time, and a shift in circumstances.

But for others, elements of that feeling may remain regardless, and it's important we allow space for that honesty without the shame."

Donath's research finds that for some women, regret is a persistent feeling.

"All the women I talked to try to do their best alongside their regret,"

she says.

She recalls a letter from a woman who regrets motherhood but finds solace in accepting the feeling rather than hoping it will disappear.

"She prefers to accept it rather than fight it and be crushed every time she understands that it's not going away."

For Carmen, the feeling seems permanent due to the lifelong sacrifices involved. However, therapy over several years has helped her accept her feelings.

"I no longer live feeling bitter,"

she says.

She now prioritizes time for exercise and socializing and allows herself to let go of perfectionism.

"I'm finally able to say, 'No, sorry, I'm tired and I'm going to have an early night. Have whatever you want for supper; Daddy is here.'"

She has learned that setting boundaries does not cause chaos.

"Teo sees that I'm a human being, that I'm not perfect, and he's okay with that."

A mother slumped outside her child's bedroom

When asked about moments of happiness with her son, Carmen describes their nightly routine of sharing the day's experiences in bed.

Teo snuggles into the duvet, and Carmen feels a deep connection.

"It's when I truly connect with Teo and see the person I love most in the world,"

she says.

"I don't feel like a monster anymore."

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this story, information and support can be found at the BBC's Action Line.

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