Warning: This story contains details of sexual acts
Ruth O'Grady reluctantly joined a swinging website after being persuaded by her husband. Initially, she told him she would never have sex in a car with a stranger. However, within months, she found herself engaging in such acts and filming them to send to him.
Over an 18-month period, Ruth says she had sex with strangers more than 100 times through the website. She reports being traumatised and continues to suffer from flashbacks.
Ruth first approached the BBC three years ago and, after careful consideration, has decided to share her story publicly using her full name to warn other women. She expresses anger towards her former husband, Chris, but also holds the UK's largest swinging website responsible, stating it gave him access to hundreds of men he could ask to have sex with her.
The BBC contacted Chris regarding these allegations, but he did not respond.
Swinging typically involves couples meeting and exchanging partners, but it can also involve only one partner engaging in sexual encounters.
For eight months, prompted by Ruth's story, the BBC has investigated the UK's swinging scene. While some participants say they engage willingly, the investigation found this is not always the case.
Ruth states that the website Fabswingers "facilitated the abuse" she experienced. The site, which claims 600,000 active monthly members and has more page views than any other swinging website, told the BBC that consent is the foundation of swinging.
Separately, police forces across the UK have reported that the site has been mentioned in hundreds of recent crime reports.
Ruth also notes that while her experience differs from that of French woman Gisèle Pelicot, who insisted on a public trial of men accused of raping her, the reaction to the Pelicot case encouraged her to speak out.
"Everyone was so shocked," she says. "I wasn't shocked at all."
Downward spiral
Chris and Ruth met in north Wales in 2008. Chris had often suggested Ruth have sex with other men, but she resisted.
In 2021, after Ruth experienced a mental health crisis, Chris became her named carer. Ruth says she was made to feel guilty that life had not turned out as planned. Chris raised the idea of swinging again, and eventually Ruth agreed.
"I know that can sound absolutely barmy to someone just hearing the story, but remember, this isn't overnight. Imagine being with someone for 12 years and them just convincing you of something."
The couple joined FabSwingers, and Ruth expected to meet other couples. Instead, the situation quickly changed.
Ruth was having sex with men from the site while Chris watched, waited nearby, or was sometimes absent. Encounters occurred at their home, in cars, lay-bys, or car parks. When she went alone, she was expected to film the encounters and send them to Chris.
Within months, Ruth was having sex with multiple men weekly, sometimes up to four in a day. She arranged some meetings herself and appeared enthusiastic about swinging, but now says she never truly wanted to participate.
She regularly told Chris she wanted to stop, expressing fear and trauma from the sexual encounters. There were sometimes pauses before Chris arranged more meetings, which Ruth attended.
The encounters had severe consequences. Ruth contracted sexually transmitted infections, became pregnant, and while recovering from an abortion, says Chris arranged for someone to perform oral sex on her.
"I realised [Chris] really doesn't care about my body or the pain I was going through," Ruth says.
"All these men are abusing my body to the point where it's getting infected, getting unwell, and now this termination is happening, and yet I'm still having to meet these men."
At times, Ruth found it easier and safer to appear enthusiastic and comply quickly than to resist.
"Some men wouldn't look me in the eye, and some men wouldn't talk to me at all. It's like... I didn't exist."
Reflecting on the encounters, Ruth says none were truly consensual.
"No," she says. "I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be on [the website] in the first place."
Chris was investigated by police under coercive control and other laws after Ruth reported him, but no charges were filed. Police cited WhatsApp messages where Ruth appeared enthusiastic about swinging.
Ruth's story raises questions about how people can appear to consent to sex they do not want. Consent can be complex, explains Professor Nicola Gavey from the University of Auckland, who has researched unwanted sex since the 1980s.
"It's quite possible for people to appear to consent to sex they don't want," says Prof Gavey.
"It can take people time to understand what was happening to them."
'I should have walked away'
The BBC spoke with a man who uses FabSwingers, identified as Martin (not his real name). He has used the site for years and had sex with about 50 people through it, mostly married women whose husbands wanted to watch.
Martin says he tries to ensure women are happy and consenting but admits that sometimes, upon entering a room, something felt wrong.
He believes more than half the women from couples he met did not want to participate.
On one occasion, he saw fear in a woman's eyes when she said her husband was about to come in and film.
"I should have walked away," he says, crying. "I should have reported it straight away."
In another encounter, he says a woman seemed "badgered into it". Her husband and another man encouraged him to continue.
When asked if he felt he had raped someone, Martin said he believed the woman had been fully consenting up to that point.
FabSwingers responded that any suggestion that prior online discussion removes the need for in-person consent is not endorsed or tolerated by the platform.
The BBC submitted Freedom of Information requests to all 45 UK police forces for crime reports since early 2023 mentioning FabSwingers. By April 2026, 39 forces responded; the Metropolitan Police did not.
The responses identified 329 reports mentioning the site, including allegations of rape, serious sexual offences, controlling and coercive behaviour, harassment, blackmail, stalking, assault, and possession of extreme pornography.
Twenty-six people were charged or summonsed in cases mentioning FabSwingers, with 23 cases ongoing.
These figures do not imply the site was responsible for the alleged crimes, and in some cases, it was only mentioned in the background. However, the platform has appeared repeatedly in police records related to serious alleged crimes.
The BBC did not request information about other UK swinging websites.
FabSwingers states that reports of non-consensual activity are treated as a priority risk and that it cooperates with police when made aware of such reports.
Ruth is surprised by this response. She says she reported banned behaviour by men she met on the site, including threats of violence or rape, but no action was taken.
Rachel Horman-Brown, a solicitor and honorary KC specialising in domestic abuse, says Ruth's experience is not unusual.
"There have been dozens and dozens of times over the years that I've heard women complain that they've been pressured into swinging," she says.
Horman-Brown believes swinging can be exploited by abusive partners because participation can create deep shame, making women less likely to speak out.
Swinging often involves taking explicit photos and videos, which can be compromising. Horman-Brown describes this as potential "ammo" in a relationship.
Support groups report similar patterns in accounts they receive.
Charlotte Eastop of Refuge, which oversees the national domestic abuse helpline, says they hear from women pressured into swinging. Many are unsure if what they are experiencing is abuse or how to describe it.
"Hopefully Ruth speaking out will have an impact on someone else."
Ruth recalls watching an episode of the dystopian TV series Black Mirror, which featured sexual degradation and humiliation. Chris found the episode funny, and she realised,
"that's what you think about me."
After more than 18 months on FabSwingers, Ruth told Chris she was quitting the site, but he continued to ask her to meet other men or try other sexual arrangements.
With outside support, Ruth planned to leave her husband. She gradually moved documents, clothes, and money out and arranged a safe place to stay.
She left in 2023 and has not seen or spoken to Chris since.
However, Ruth remains deeply affected and nervous around men. Even taking a shower can trigger memories of preparing for FabSwingers meet-ups.
When asked why she is sharing her story publicly, Ruth says that if even one woman recognises she is doing things she does not want to do, it will be worthwhile.
If you would like to contact BBC Journalist Catrin Nye about this story, you can email her at catrin.nye@bbc.co.uk or find her on social media @CatrinNye.
