Feeling Disconnected After Children
Rebecca has been married for 10 years, but since having three children in the last three years, she feels "disconnected" from her husband.
"We are just cohabiting, like we're not a couple. We are just parents," she says.
Like many parents, they find it difficult to carve out time alone together.
"Our kids are so young and they are so demanding that it's hard to even get five minutes to catch up and we're both exhausted come the end of the day."
Rebecca notes that the dynamic of their relationship shifted after the birth of their first child.
"We knew it was going to be different when we started trying for our first baby, but I think the gravity of it, we weren't expecting how different it would be."
Her life has transformed as she transitioned from working full-time to becoming a full-time mother, and she admits struggling to communicate her feelings with her partner.
"His life is still his life. He does see how hard it is for me at home and also our relationship, he knows it's affected, but he'd never bring it up."
Understanding Relationship Changes After Parenthood
Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist, explains that changes in relationships after becoming parents are normal.
"There's nothing that can prepare you for becoming parents. You think you know yourselves really well as a couple, and then everything you think you know about someone is gone."
Research indicates that the early years of parenthood are often the most challenging, with relationship dissatisfaction typically peaking within the first three years after a child is born.
Kate emphasizes that improving your relationship is not about returning to pre-children life but adapting to a new reality.
"It's never going to look the same as it looked before, but we have to think about it in a new way now."
Make Time to Hug and Kiss
She advises focusing on small gestures such as eye contact or touch during the limited time couples have together to rekindle their connection.
"We call this sexual currency in my world, which is, you know, a hand squeeze, a hug, a quick kiss, anything that makes you connected.
And when we have those opportunities, drop everything else and just prioritise that."
Kate notes that these small actions can significantly enhance romantic relationships.
"When you're in the thick of it, that's not the time to say we need to change everything."
She explains that a kiss or a touch can serve as bridges to deeper moments of intimacy and connection.
Be Open About How You Feel
Kate also recommends using quiet moments to honestly discuss the state of the relationship.
"Their attention is the thing that we often miss. We feel separate, and then we think that our partner also feels separate, and we have this gap between us."
She compares relationships to friendships and families, emphasizing the need for ongoing investment and nurturing.
"It takes work and adaptation and paying attention when we feel like we have nothing left."
Spend Time Together Without the Kids
Sam Owen, a relationship coach and author, suggests that after having children, couples often need to "get to know each other" again by engaging in dates or conversations about interests beyond their children.
She recommends activities such as massages, staying in hotels with creche facilities, playing games, painting or drawing, or cooking meals together.
"It's consciously creating a habit of connecting so it becomes part of your relationship."
Sam also highlights the importance of physical intimacy.
"It's a vital glue for keeping your relationship together, it helps improve communication and reduce couple conflict."
Since reaching out to the CBeebies Parenting Helpline, Rebecca and her husband have implemented several strategies to enhance their relationship.
They ensure they have meals together with their children but without phones, which facilitates easier conversation without distractions.
Additionally, they spend time together each evening after putting the children to bed, often watching films or TV shows, creating a dedicated time to relax together.
"Relationships take work, if you both want it then you will always find a way back to each other, don't shy away from the hard conversations and hold tight," says Rebecca.
