Spiritual Abuse and Manipulation in a Relationship
A woman, identified as Grace, shared her experience of enduring physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from a partner who manipulated her Catholic faith to justify his actions. The 51-year-old described how her abuser told her she should forgive him because "God has forgiven me," illustrating how spiritual abuse can subtly infiltrate a relationship.
Grace's partner professed love "in front of god" and later pressured her to forgive him, claiming it was "the Christian thing to do." This case highlights growing awareness of spiritual abuse, a form of coercive control that exploits faith.
The Catholic Church condemned the abuse Grace suffered as "horrific" and acknowledged ongoing efforts to provide better support. It also noted that the "weaponisation of forgiveness" is a frequent issue encountered.
Warning: This story contains distressing content including details of domestic abuse, sexual assault, and suicidal thoughts.
A 2021 University of Chester study involving 192 Christian respondents found that 60% of domestic abuse survivors had experienced spiritual abuse.
Meeting the Abuser and Early Manipulation
Grace, from south Wales, was in her 40s, recently divorced, and emotionally vulnerable when she met her abuser. He initially appeared affectionate, gentle, loving, and humorous.
"He ticked all the boxes. He was affectionate, he was gentle, he was loving, he was funny.
He appreciated the fact I was a Christian girl and went to church. That meant a lot... he said he wanted to learn more about faith.
I learned later it was a lie."
Grace recalled her partner joining her in prayer, asking questions, and attending midnight mass on their first Christmas together.
"He held my hand and then said, 'In the eyes of your god, I want you to know I'm yours forever.'"
She said this shifted the responsibility onto her, but at the time she admired his desire to share her spiritual path.
Despite this, Grace sensed something was amiss. His intensity and constant attention confused her.
"Spiritual abuse, it's not loud, it doesn't come crashing in. It looks nothing like what people imagine domestic abuse to be.
It's almost snaky, starting gradually."
During a camping trip, her partner woke at 3 a.m., wanting to leave, kicked their tent while Grace was still inside, and called her a "traitor to god."
"He'd never kicked off before, he'd never done anything before," she said.
Initially, Grace did not contact the police, attributing the incident to "a bad day," but after he tried to kick down her door, she feared for her life.
He was arrested but returned that evening, behaving as if nothing had happened.
According to Grace, he said: "Come on love, forgiveness - isn't that what you people preach?"
He added it was a "one off" and "god has forgiven me."
Grace dropped the charges, and when he joined her at church the next day expressing regret, she believed apologizing before God "must mean something."
Escalation of Abuse and Isolation
A few days later, Grace said he "kicked off again," confronting her about the mileage on her car and accusing her of visiting someone.
"He could repeat tiny snippets from the Bible that suit him.
When those little words get in your brain, and you're a strong Christian person, it blows your mind."
Grace stopped attending church because she "couldn't face the shame" of the community knowing someone she had known for six months was becoming manipulative and coercive.
Further incidents resulted in a restraining order, but the man continued to appear at her home, insisting she should "know I love you because I told you in front of your god."
Cycle of Control and Faith Erosion
Grace described being trapped in a cycle of grand gestures of love followed by escalating violence over several months.
"Slowly but surely, [your] faith is eradicated by their controlling behaviour," she said.
On New Year's Eve, more than a year into their relationship, he told her he was attending anger management counseling. Grace felt there was no reason to expect harm.
They went to bed, but a few hours later, he raped her. He asked multiple times if she was okay afterward.
"I just looked at him and said 'you're an animal'," she recalled.
He responded: "Sex is healthy in a relationship, it says that in the Bible."
Grace contacted a support hotline, which advised her to attend a sexual assault referral centre (SARC) for medical tests and to call the police.
Afterward, she spent nearly two hours praying in her church.
"I felt really bad because I'd sort of pushed god to one side, for him. I felt spiritually ashamed of myself."
Despite police officers confirming it was rape, Grace felt compelled to forgive.
However, when her abuser sent a message saying, "Lol, you'll be saying I raped you next," she finally pressed charges.
He was convicted by a jury of rape and intimidation and sentenced to nine years in prison.
Aftermath and Recovery
Grace believed "life can't get any worse," but due to time off work and damage to her home caused by her ex-partner, she lost both her job and accommodation.
She described feeling "jobless, homeless, worthless, used, abused, discarded" and experienced suicidal thoughts.
For eight weeks, she lived in her car and hotels and questioned her decision to leave.
Speaking with an Independent Sexual Violence Adviser (ISVA) and an Independent Domestic Violence Adviser (IDVA) helped Grace recognize her victimhood and obtain housing through a charity.
She is now working on rebuilding her faith and, while feeling in some ways "in a closer place with god," she struggles to be open about her experience within church communities.
"I've attended a few different churches but the church I'd call home, I haven't managed to put that foot through the door yet," she said.
Grace emphasized that spiritual abuse is insufficiently discussed and that churches should maintain an "open door" for people to share concerns regardless of relationship status.
Church Response and Awareness Efforts
The Roman Catholic Church stated it aims to address domestic abuse and gender-based violence in faith settings, including spiritual abuse.
Nikki Dhillon Keane, founder of the Safe in Faith project in the Diocese of Westminster, expressed sorrow over Grace's experience.
"Sadly, all her experiences fit exactly with what we know about spiritual abuse... in particular the weaponisation of forgiveness is something we see very often."
"It is a deeply twisted version of true forgiveness, which should never put someone at increased risk of harm," she added, calling it "by far the most effective and devastating way to control them" but still under-discussed.
Safe in Faith trains Catholic clergy and parishes to understand spiritual abuse and develop trauma-informed responses to support survivors like Grace.
Another Survivor's Story and Advocacy
Caroline Plant, who runs the charity Action on Spiritual Abuse, was inspired by her own experience, which differed from Grace's case.
Raised by religious parents, Caroline was taken to a Pentecostal church community outside Wales at age 14.
She described herself as a wayward teenager and said her parents believed they were placing her in a good Christian home, but scripture was used to control and manipulate her.
"On leaving one conference meeting in tears, a pastor told me 'if you leave now, you'll go to hell'."
She attended the church’s school, sat exams, and was encouraged to marry within the church community at 18, rejecting her family back home in Pembrokeshire.
Feeling like she was living in a "cult," Caroline sought help to leave the community with her children in 1997.
She now lives in St Davids, continues to attend church, and is passionate about improving training on spiritual abuse in schools and churches.
"People always ask, why did you not just leave? It's not as simple as that. I was convinced god was going to strike me down," she said.
Caroline noted that seeking support was complicated by a lack of understanding of Christian concepts.
"Faith is part of you, it's a really important part and you can't just separate that out."
The BBC understands the school and church Caroline attended have since closed.
Support Services for Survivors
In 2023, charity Victim Support launched Safe Spaces, a service for survivors of church-related abuse in Wales and England.
The service is jointly funded by the Anglican and Catholic Church in England and Wales (CCEW) but operates independently and was developed with input from those with spiritual abuse experience.
Diana Fawcett, the charity’s chief executive, highlighted the increased risk of mental health issues for victims of sexual, physical, and psychological abuse, especially those abused in church settings.
"We are pleased to be able to give victims a safe channel to access specialist services completely independently from the police or any faith-based institution."
If you have been affected by the issues in this story, help and support are available via BBC Action Line.
